I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
