I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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