Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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