I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
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do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
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I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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