We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my being single is dangerous.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
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I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
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She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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