My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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