Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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