Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
should my penis look like a turkey
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I would fuck him just for his dog
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
