I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
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thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
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I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.