mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.