Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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