i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.