I feel like I'm in dance class right now
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
