Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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