Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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