i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
