video games are the ultimate cock blocker
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You are a genius and a whore.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
