toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
