Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We just shotgunned beers for America
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
