I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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