she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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