Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
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and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
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He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
not ubering you a puppy
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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