You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
