One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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