your parents love me but you hate me
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
