My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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