Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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