No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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