My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
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