she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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