I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
