Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
