guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
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I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
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The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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