i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He has the fingertips of a God
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
