remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
