oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
