yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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