i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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