He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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