I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
