Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
