How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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