guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
