They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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