My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
