I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
