I have demons in me.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
