I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
