Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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