i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
