he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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