Taylor Swift is so right about you.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
