sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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