It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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