You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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