Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
