there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
