Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
